Sports
Sometimes when people run around too much they get light headed and say something deeply poetic, extremely funny, or completely idiotic.
Quotes (54)
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
"We have to pick up where we left off a few days ago.. The doubleheaders put a crimp in our giddyup right here."
"Football's not a matter of life and death. It's much more serious than that."
If you don't shed a tear watching "Field of Dreams," you might have serious issues.
"I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade."
"A great catch is like watching the pretty girls go by -- the last one you see is always the prettiest."
"It looked like he was playing whiffle ball out there."
"I'd like toss, but in the event I fall over I have to go home naked."
"Some day I'll come out here with a chainsaw and render this frisbee land."
"The stuff dreams are made of: full contact raquetball in a hallway with 7 people, two rackets and a baseball bat."
"I can't screw up Alabama. We are number 48 in everything and Arkansas and Mississippi aren't going anywhere."
"When Larry Bowa was kicked out of a game last week, it marked the 46th such departure of his career -- 23 as a manager, 17 as a player and six as a coach. Further proof that baseball does indeed keep stats on everything."
"Baseball hasn't seen this many one-hitters since the league and players agreed not to test for pot last year."
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
"These unwritten rules aren't worth the paper they're written on."
"When I see guys huddling up after the game, to pray, that's what scares me about the game. I'm a Baptist, but I'm also a quarterback killer, and I ain't praying with you. But I will give you 30 seconds to ask your Lord and master to keep me from killing you."
"When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anybody deliberately... unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something."
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
"We don't like to draft a guy who's too smart because he could do something else with his life besides play this silly game."
"Bible-thumpers on the team say, 'C'mon, let's pray together.' I say, 'Sure, if I can slaughter a goat at halftime.'"
"We should have prayed for rain."
"Concrete pieces from Wrigley Field in Chicago have been falling down. Well it's strange this time of year, because usually the Cubs don't collapse until the playoffs."
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Jay Leno
"No one cares what you say just as long as you back up your comments with sufficient tape-measure home runs, touchdown passes or championship rings. Remember, your I.Q. rises with your batting average and the public's tolerance decreases with your winning percentage. Bobby Knight caught some grief for his comments and actions, but it wasn't until he foolishly stopped going to the Final Four that anyone was offended enough to actually fire him."
"I was like, 'Ha-ha, he hit a car!' And then I found out it was mine and it wasn't so funny."
"Who said I had respect for Pedro to begin with?"
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Karim Garcia
, When asked if he had lost respect for Red Sox ace Pedro Martinez (The New York Post)
About the only solace a Mets fan really has is that he or she is not a Yankees fan.
"I've watched myself play on tape and even I think I'm not trying."
"If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
I don't really trust a sane person
"Sometimes I get lazy and let the dishes stack up. But they don't stack too high. I've only got four dishes."
Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To
win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
"That's what happens when you build a ballpark next to an ocean."
"I'm getting tired of all these learning experiences."
"Georgie Porgie, he might buy the whole league, but he doesn't have enough money to buy fear to put in my heart."
"I don't believe in damn curses. Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass."
"Catchers sacrifice fingers and knees, and no doubt they are working for a living. It's the sort of grind work most American companies ship overseas."
"Nobody turns more homers into outs than center fielders, usually after a 55-meter dead sprint beforehand, while tracking a missile that came off the bat at more than 120 mph. It's like being a cheetah, a Star Wars defense system, and a Medieval catapult.
If your cap flies off, all the better."
"Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch."
"It is in games that many men discover their paradise."
"We were so poor, a robber once broke into our house and we ended up robbing the robber."
"The only way I'd play for the Cincinnati Bengals is if they gave me $20 million and didn't put my name on the back of the jersey."
"I didn't graduate cum laude. I graduated 'Thank you, Lawdy.' With my grades, I couldn't have gotten into prison."
"Dumb players lose football games"
"Every day is a new day here in New York. You can strike out in the first at-bat and get booed, but then you get a single to lead off an inning and you're cheered like it's the World Series."
"A good sport has to lose to prove it."
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Unknown
"Rohde, WHERE ARE THE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!?"
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
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Unknown
"Schroeder, you wanna run to the left. No, Schroeder, your other left."
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."