"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."

"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."

"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best."

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."