"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

"Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."

"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."

"Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no."

"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

"Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right."

"For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."