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Quotes (66)
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
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"Who needs luck when you possess unlimited amounts of incompetence like me?"
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"Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary."
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"Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
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"It took God six days to create the world... and on the seventh he was arrested."
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."
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"Build a machine even a fool could use, and only a fool will want to use it."
"A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body."
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"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about."
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"The average woman prefers to have beauty to brains, since the average man can see better than he thinks."
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"It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark."
"If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?"
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
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"Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality."
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"God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter."
"The universe is laughing behind your back."
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"In place of infinity we usually put some really big number, like 15."
"If it wasn't for C, we'd be using BASI, Pasal, and OBOL."
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"Your ignorance cramps my conversation."
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"Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are."
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"The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with a portrait of herself."
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"A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists."
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"Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?"
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"An Arizona judge is suing Barry Manilow because the concert he attended was too loud. Any Barry Manilow concert where you can actually hear the music is grounds for a lawsuit."
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
"It gives me a headheache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
"Research shows that jazz enthusiasts are 30% more sexually active than the average person. This is good news, unless you're the average person."
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"I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of the body,
but then I realized who was telling me that."
"I'm more comfortable critisizing people behind their back."
"Honest women frighten me. They seem to put me at a disadvantage."
"Ever kill anyone? I bet you could tease a man to death without half trying."
"Tell me, how does a girl like you get to be a girl like you?"
Woody: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
Woody: "For a beer?"
Norm: "No, for stupid questions."
"The problem with using bleeding edge technology is that the blood on the floor ends up being yours."
"No matter how pretty she is, somewhere someone is sick of her shit."
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
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"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
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"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
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"Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world."
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"I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected."
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"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
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"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Distributed applications are great, but sometimes when we put Humpty Dumpy together again we end up with Mr. Potato Head.
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"Death sneaks up on you like a windshield sneaks up on a bug."
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"If the rich could hire people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living."
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
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"A good sport has to lose to prove it."
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"Code is great, so we'll be nice."
"Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward."
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"Rohde, WHERE ARE THE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!?"
"Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens."
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"Never let a computer know you're in a hurry."
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You're only the jerk you think you are.
"The magnitude of this hack compares favorably with that of the national debt."
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"Why did the chicken cross the road?...Because you're drunk."
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"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
"Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you, man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, man."
"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend."
"Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?"
"We don't have a lot of time on this Earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to spend time in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day."
"There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence."
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"Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else."
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Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else.
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