Quotes (181)
"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening."
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
"Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison."
"Oh, I missed that. I was getting stoned."
"That Dave, he's amazing. He's got his hands all over the place."
"What you have here is apples to donuts."
"You don't know it's right because it's wrong."
"The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!"
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel. But i am, so that's how it comes out."
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
"I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know."
"You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human."
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
"Sometimes I think the surest sign of intelligent life is that none has tried to contact us."
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
"A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."
Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
"I met Kurt before Nirvana broke. Surprisingly, he was a fan of my standup. That's like finding out that Jimmy Hendrix really loved Carrot Top."
"At least half of the exercise I get every day comes from jumping to conclusions."
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant."
"Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts."
"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty four year old level."
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"Ha Ha! Ill hide these in plain sight!"
"If I had a urinal here I'd be having a good time."
"Alcohol Appreciation Major - Students who drink Guinness cannot take any 100 level courses."
"To a fly, I'm enormous."
"They've got wings! Some of them can fly!"
"Bet theyd run a lot faster if Brett and I were chasing after them with Harleys and baseball bats."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
"I am so hip, I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"He hadn't asked to be here. If he was asked at this moment where he would like to be he would probably have said he would like to be lying on the beach with at least fifty beautiful women and a small team of experts working out new ways they could be nice to him."
"This must be Thursday," said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
" ...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
"You'd better be prepared for the for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out alive."
"I am the emperor, and I want dumplings."
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
"Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities."
"You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER."
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance.
"When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive."
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
"Part of the loot went for gambling, part for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent foolishly."
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
"Kentucky Fried Panda...it's finger Ling Ling good."
"I didnt lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth"
"Do you ever get on your own nerves?"
"I've always been a woman."
"I had a bad experience with a hairy back once."
"Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less."
"I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four."
"Everybody's obsessed with Bizooms, it's just whether you hide it or not."
"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones."
"I'm not a man in the kitchen."
"All I need is MTV and Lifetime."
"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular."
"These pencils are electronically marked so, if you steal them, you will be hunted down."
-
Ken Cooper
, Announced as he handed out some #2 pencils to a class
T.S.: "She calls you callow in here."
Brodie: "You say that like it's bad."
T.S.: "Well, it means frightened and weak-willed."
Brodie: "Shit, that was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."
"Even with military training, there is no way a man can accidentally blow his head off with a shotgun."
"If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
"His big brain wanted the respect of his soul as much as he wanted the
respect of his passengers. His brain had a life of its own, and the time
would come when he would actually try to fire it for having misled him."
"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have enough nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts."
"Tesla came over from Graz and went to work for Thomas Edison. Edison couldn't stand Tesla for several reasons. One was that Tesla showed up for work every day in formal dress - morning coat, spats, top hat and gloves - and this just wasn't the American Way at the time. Edison also hated Tesla because Tesla invented so many things while wearing these clothes."
"If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it."
"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."
"I think it would be a good idea."
-
Mahatma Gandhi
, When asked what he thought of Western civilization.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
"Intrigued by the problem being initiated by KSV, I decided to try my luck at solving the problem. This was a bit difficult, because I was dodging machine-gun bullets at the time."
"At that point, so much energy will have gone into the pressure cooker that the geometry of space-time may very well begin to distort, and the dimensionality of space-time may change. The space around our kitchen may very well become unstable, a rip may form in the fabric of space, and a wormhole may appear in the kitchen. At this point, it may be advisable to leave the kitchen."
"How to get my attention: Uh, there's always nudity or free cheese."
"I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do."
"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
"One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable."
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
"When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones."
"They're jelly beans, not people."
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Pete Wetzel
, After being scolded for throwing away bad jelly beans
"Better not do that in here. Some people might get offended."
"Light beer is evil. It's like drinking dishwater: it tastes foul and you're not sure what the point of drinking it is."
"Yeah, I left my Paula Abdul CD at home and I cry myself to sleep."
"I like frozen twinkies, but I do not eat them all of the time."
"One bonus for coming to class late is that it ends earlier."
"I got a tingle in my toes from a tangerine jelly bean."
"When someone asks you, 'Did that hit your face?' you know things could be going better for you."
If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
"The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us."
...so my doctor said i wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if i'd just keep my darn finger out of there...
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Physics is to mathematics what sex is to masturbation.
Hell, if I could explain it to the average person, it wouldn't have been worth the Nobel prize.
"You are right on target when you say that mad scientists have a total disregard for the wellbeing of others. We don't want to spread evil; we just see no point in bothering to spread good."
"I get a top of the line phone, but imitation wheat thins."
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans."
"I did turn 75 today -- but remember, that's only 24 Celcius."
"Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance."
"I get paid all day, every day, which is almost too much for a sensitive artist."
"It's too bad that being useless isn't an olympic sport."
"It doesnt matter how jacked you are, you cant pick up chicks without a face."
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"Women, can't live with 'm, can't shoot 'm."
"What you don't know would make a great book."
"Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!"
"However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea."
"It is to erase the fixed smiles of sleeping couples that Satan trained roosters to crow at 5 in the morning."
"Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell."
"Lily Devalier would have been beside herself except that there wasn't enough room at the table."
"Who needs luck when you possess unlimited amounts of incompetence like me?"
"Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward."
"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
Woody: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
Woody: "For a beer?"
Norm: "No, for stupid questions."
"I'm more comfortable critisizing people behind their back."
You're only the jerk you think you are.
"I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of the body,
but then I realized who was telling me that."
-
Unknown
, From the TV show Dr. Katz
"Research shows that jazz enthusiasts are 30% more sexually active than the average person. This is good news, unless you're the average person."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?...Because you're drunk."
"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"
-
Unknown
, From the movie Mallrats
"Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you, man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, man."
"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend."
"Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?"
"An Arizona judge is suing Barry Manilow because the concert he attended was too loud. Any Barry Manilow concert where you can actually hear the music is grounds for a lawsuit."
-
Unknown
, Comedy Central web site
"The universe is laughing behind your back."
"God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter."
"There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence."
"If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?"
"Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else."
"It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark."
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about."
"A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body."
Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else.
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."
"Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
"...yeah I ate it- and I love cheese- and i washed it down with a 24 bottle case of pepsi-cola"
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
"There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."